Ian v. Joe

The Winner

2009-07-08T10:26:00.001-07:00

Joe has won. Proving that he is better than Ian in every possible way (or at least in ways that were determined by the challenges). As a prize Joe was released from the prison cube that I had them interned in (Brown County, which kinda does look like a cube). Joe is now free to spread his greatness (seed) around the world. So look out world here comes IanvJoe champ Joe. Oh also Ian is now Joe's bitch. Thanks for watching (reading).

Alan out!

Two New Challenges

2009-03-17T12:30:00.000-07:00

Ian and Joe you both got an invite to join Will's NCAA bracket. So point for you the one of you who can end up higher in the league.

Also since that will take a month, I have a second challenge.

You must design a super hero.

Here are the rules.

1. No copyright theft in either your powers or your origin.

2. No super heroes that you use to dress up as (No super-tyranny, I'm not going to point out which person this message is for, but he knows).

3. You must write powers and origin.

Good luck gentlemen.

What the world needs now is bad poems

2009-03-08T21:48:00.000-07:00

Ok, first things first, this challenge is waaaaaay to creepy. Second how strange that last poll was a tie.

Alright here are the poems.

First Ian's

Joe, your eyes are as blue as the skies

I want to eat you like big pizza pie

My loins are on fire

you make me perspire

I love you forever Joe, at your behest I shall be thou squire

When I look at you I melt like butter on flapjacks

I want you to clean my utensils as if you were Ajax

I'll love you forever I've never been more sure

In the language of love "je t'aime mon domestique partneur!"

Then Joe's

He laid my foundation wetly,

And it has hardened. He keeps me,

as if a warden. His brew, bubbly

and warming, ferments by the toilet

And when he brews anew, he boils it.

If our country's new calamity engenders

concomitant bedlam,

as did its predecessor,

and spoiled paunch melts into

Fiercer hardness the world over,

And if the zombies come,

I'm not going fucking anywhere!

I'm sleeping under a blanket

Of industry and hair, I'm marching

To the call of Ian's Fearless stare,

And we will live, again

to see this place grow soft, ugly and fair

So who wins? Well, I like both of them. Ian's is a little more carnal, which is kinda surprising and disturbing. But it also has French (or Freedom as I like to say). Joe's is more sly, like something he wrote in high school and then slipped to Ian during study hall on Feb. 12th 1997. Not saying he did that, just saying. But under Ian is not where I would want to be for the Zombie wars.

I guess I'll go about with Joe's. Cause its paints Ian more as a manly hero which he clearly is.

Now let us never speak of this again!

Ian loves Joe or Joe loves Ian which ever

2009-02-08T19:45:00.000-08:00

This is a site devoted to competition and hate. But in the spirit of the season, let look at love. The kind of love a room mate with cats that piss all over the carpet can show another room mate who pisses on the cat pee to reclaim his territory . So you must write love poems to each other.

Now these can not be sarcastic and do have to be poems (but not haiku or fucking concrete thats not poems thats a fucking picture).

Good luck gentlemen.

(Also Ian you can't just take one you wrote for your woman and put Joe's name in. I'll know too cause 1) Joe's not hot 2) his name doesn't rhyme with fish or dish so "Oh Joe, You are my one wish" would be a dead giveaway)

Superbowl Challenge Winner

2009-02-01T19:21:00.000-08:00

To review:

Both got Steeler's

Ian got Cards (cause he got kicked in the head by a mule and therefore is insane).

Ian also picked the Steeler's to win.

Ian nor Joe got whatever the first song was (I don't know what it was).

Both got Born to Run

So Ian won, So Point to him.

New Challenge soon.

Two week update and new challenge

2009-01-10T18:07:00.001-08:00

First of all sorry for the infrequent update but hey I've been busy.

On New Years a few more points were decided.

First Joe played his song. Which I can't seem to get to work but it is good and if you want it email me or post in comments. If not let me know so point for Joe.

Secondly, Joe got another point for being the best at throwing little plastic darts at the TV and having them stick. Ian was able to stick 2 of 5. Joe stuck 4 of 5 then went on to stick 9 of 10. I wonder if it is his calling.

Any way here is the new challenge:

The Super Bowl Quiz

First who will be in it?

Secondly: Who will win?

Thirdly: What will The Boss open and close with?

Tie Breaker: Total score of both teams?

Submit your answers in comments.

Also I will give both two bonus point if neither of you eats any snacks during the game and you are at someone else's house watching the game.

Good luck

There may be a challenge between now and then too so keep your eyes open and your ears to the ground.

Merry X-Mas

2008-12-26T18:50:00.000-08:00

So Joe gets a point for winning the comic contest. The crass humor and crude drawings wins out over topical pee jokes (Take a note Leno). Also Ian said he wanted a point for Christmas. So there it is. This helps Ian maintain his slim lead. Future Contests to come this week.
Still haven't heard any Christmas songs yet.

Christmas Contests

2008-12-12T12:44:00.000-08:00

As many of you know I am not a fan of Christmas music. I have listened for years about "silver bells" and "silent knights" and getting teeth for Christmas. Well I've had it! I need a song about the true spirit of Christmas. Actually I am willing even extend the song. It doesn't have to be about Christmas. It could be about any holiday at this time of year for example Chanukkah or Kwanza (especially Kwanza).
Here are the rules.

It must be original. No rewriting Jingle Bells or Little Drummer Boy.

It must be able to be performed at an elementary school so keep it clean.

I would like it to be able to be played on this website. So in other words record it.
I think Joe has the ability to do that and if you do Joe you must let Ian record.

In the spirit of Christmas I am willing to let you work together on this but if you team up you must both have to sing and play on the song.

I will give a bonus point to whoever is willing to perform the song at a venue while I am in Indiana. I will give another if brings down the house.

The point will be decided by who does a better job on the song and may be voted on by the fan of the site. However, if the song is not done together I will have the decision.

Comic point

2008-12-09T18:41:00.001-08:00

Click on the comics to make them bigger.

Whoever wins the poll wins the point!

Vote Early, vote Often

Post your thoughts under this one for all to see.

Joe's Comic

2008-12-09T18:38:00.001-08:00

Ian's Comic

2008-12-09T18:23:00.000-08:00

Ian warning

2008-11-30T13:48:00.001-08:00

Ian if I do not receive your comic in 3 days time double points to Joe.

Hogan's Heroes

2008-11-22T18:28:00.000-08:00

For the latest challenge, our combatants put their legendary marksmanship skills to the test. Since a duel of pistols at dawn was deemed to be "too early in the morning" and "too fatal," they were challenged to another classic contest of cannon: shooting a really terrible Hulk Hogan-branded energy drink with a .22 rifle from about 50 feet away. Whoever hits their can closest to Hogan's face wins.

The Contestants:

Joe and Ian

The Targets:

In a taste test after the contest, the Hogan energy drink was judged as tasting like "some sort of shitty candy" and "like extra-sweet Mountain Dew peed out by roided up bald man whose son paralyzed a guy."

The Competition:

Joe and Ian took turns firing from the porch.

Results:

Ian's shot missed Hogan's face by about half an inch. Joe's shot, however, missed by about six feet.

THE WINNER

IAN, who gets one point for winning the contest and another bonus point because he met Hulk Hogan in real life. According to Wikipedia, Ian is the only living person on earth who met someone and later shot a bullet through their image on a can of terrible energy drink to win a stage of a screwy internet competition.

If they had been shooting at Earl Scruggs' Foggy Mountain Energy Drink (slogan: "The Pick Me Up You Need To Pick All Night!"), Joe would have gotten the bonus.

Comic Cavalcade Challenge

2008-11-08T21:09:00.001-08:00

I was reading the greatest comic of all time. Family Circus and I was inspired (both on a hilarity level and religious level).

Here is the challenge.

You must make a comic that is at least 8 panels. It can be drawn but must be scanned and sent to me. You can also use paint or whatever art program (be aware though I have a mac and may not be able to view it.

I will judge on the following categories (in no order).

Humor

Art style

Cohesion of plot

This is worth one point.

Good luck gentlemen.

Quick Update: 3 points

2008-11-08T20:49:00.000-08:00

Ok, I know its been a while but here are some updates.

First of all Joe looses a point for being held responsible for making everyone late the wedding rehearsal so way to go on that. Second of all I liked Ian's costume Idea better because I could wear it to school and not be horribly offensive to the kids. So point for Ian.

Now awhile back I was in In and I had a challenge for both Ian and Joe to see who could eat the most Sour patch kids at once with no water. Here are the results.

It was a tie. So Ian and Joe had a cracker eating race. Joe won.

So point change: Joe gets and loses one so no points. Ian gets one.

Wedding Challenge Results

2008-10-23T16:32:00.000-07:00

As most of you know Ben and Adie Were Married (This was an elaborate ploy for Ben to finally add "Take My Wife, Please!" to his floundering stand up career, and for Adie to add something interesting to her Memoir "Leaves of Autumn: the life and Times of Adie Bell).

Here is how I scored them

Joe and Ian were both invited so points all around for that.

However they were late to the wedding rehearsal (despite the fact that they both blamed Hartman, who we all know is infallible) so I am docking the loser of the new poll.

At the rehearsal dinner Joe was too afraid to try Ouzo at the Greek meal, which was wonderful. So he looses a point.

They both arrived at the wedding in the same car. Although Joe got out first. So he technically arrived at the wedding first. So point for him

Joe got a point for being the first to dance with Adie during the hat dance (If you don't know what that is, then you didn't attend Waycross).

There was another challenge this week as well but I am waiting on Ian to send me photos before I post.

So Here is how these challenges shake out

Ian: 1 Joe: 3

Also Joe you have had ample time for you to become a follower of this blog.

Ian did so point for him.

Debate Challenge/ live blog

2008-10-15T18:29:00.000-07:00

Ok, so Ian is sitting next to me. Joe is sitting next to him.
Joe was the first to show up for the debate so point for him.
Ian was the first to tell me to shut up so point for him.
McCain keeps mentioning Joe so I'm tempted to give him a point.

Obama is on the defense, he should stick to shooting 3 pointers.

I am shocked that they are against things that are against America.

Neither has agreed with McCain for that point. 9:37.

Ian is cleaning his glasses. 9:47. He thinks hes so smart cause his vision isn't as good as mine.

Joe just agreed with McCain so point for him. 9:52

Neither Obama or McCain or addressing the vampire problem. That's what I'm worried about.

Wow! I can't believe he said that's really awful.

9:59 Joe the plumber that's a point for Joe.

If someone mentions Mill or Miller point for Ian. 10ish

I don't like Obama or McCain's plan for stopping the swarms of locusts that are destroying the central part of Oklahoma.

10:07. Ok McCain sorry if you think that things should be left up to the states you are not a federalist.

My legs are sweating due to heat of computer in my lap.

Obama's anti-video game stance not winning any fans in the room.

well I grow weary of this plus im really hot.
So here is the score.

Ian gets 1 point. Joe gets 3.

Challenge 7-8

2008-10-11T23:23:00.000-07:00

So I am back home for the week so expect a flurry of challenges. I am fairly hammered as I update this but here is a running tally.
Joe received one point for tipping more than Ian. Ian tipped 1.50 on a 7 dollar tab. This was not a shabby tip but Joe topped it by tipping 4 dollars on a 12 buck tab so Joe gets the point.
Ian redeemed himself by correctly picking that Joe would spend more than 40 on the nights entertainment." I'd show you pictures but I would have been 86'd. Also none of them were worth the amount he spent. So Ian retains the lead.

Challenge 7 and discussion

2008-10-08T18:51:00.000-07:00

Challenge 7 is to find or design a halloween costume for me.

keep in mind I am not going to spend a fortune.

Also keep my mouth and face free, that way I can drink.

You got to the end of the month.

Good luck.

Also In the comments tell me why everyone is voting for Joe for NWO.

Challenge 6 Winners if you can call them that

2008-10-05T20:52:00.001-07:00

Pancho's Bloody Cum

Ok, lets start with this abortion of a drink. This drink is terrible. Terrible doesn't even begin to describe it. This drink is awful. The wine, tequila and nutmeg, yes nutmeg, combined with half and half are as bad as it sounds. The half and half curdle as soon as it hits the wine and tequila. The nutmeg make it gritty. So not only does this taste like ass but also has the texture of dirt. Joe this drink should be wiped from the annals of human history. It should be shot burned and then every picture of it should be scratch until it no longer exists. If I were a dictator, I would not serve these to my prisoners.

However, the name is really funny.

The McPalin

This drink is also very bad. It tastes like really watered down vodka. Also just like those awful blue suckers that turn your mouth blue, this turns your mouth red. Which is an unpleasant experience. This drink is bad. However, it is everything Ian promised. So the point goes to him.

By the way everyone, never ever drink these two abominations.

Challenge 6

2008-09-28T15:18:00.000-07:00

Design a Drink:

In this contest you must create an original drink that will get me drunk.

Rules:

It must be drinkable (no french cloud).

It must be made of ingredients that could actually be found in a bar, and could be made in a bar.

It must be alcohalic in nature.

You will be graded on two things:

1. Taste

2. Name.

Post in comments, good luck. This is worth one point.

Challenge 5

2008-09-20T21:27:00.000-07:00

Ok, while we wait for the results to challenge 4, I will go ahead and post challenge 5.

You must go to wikipedia and post a lie on the Brown County, Indiana site. Whosever lie lasts longer wins. If no lie is removed after one week. Then I will judge whose lie was better.

Email your lie to me.

Players at home, see if you can spot the lie. First who does, can give a bonus point to either Ian or Joe. Also if Ian or Joe remove the other's lie or tell someone where it was so they could vote them. They shall be docked a point. So don't cheat, believe me I already have spies who will try and get you to cheat. I am everywhere like the bad guys in that Will Smith /Gene Hackman movie.

Update 1st of all Ian and Joe's lies are now posted. Ian's on the Nashville page. Joe's on the Brown County page.

Second update on challenge 4. So see below.

Ok so both lies have been caught so I am calling it early.

Ben the vigilant poster found both.

Ians was in the Nashville page:

"Steele with T.C. Steele State Historic Park located off of State Road 46 near Belmont. And Schultz with the Adolph Schultz memorial Garden, located in Trevlac, on State Road 45. "

Joe's is on the Brown County Page. Under History

(Cars) use were strictly limited because of very bad roads and the belief, particularly in Brown County, that cars were autonomous and maleficent. "

So Ben decided to award his point to Ian.

However, I am declaring Joe the liar challenge winner. Why? cause his lie is so crazy that people will buy it. And that just takes guts.

One point for Ian one for Joe.

challenge 4

2008-09-15T16:06:00.000-07:00

As many of you know it is my birthday on the 17th. This will allow Joe and Ian to try to gain my favor. You must compose a poem to honor my birth. Whose ever is best will win.

post in the comments.

Good luck gentlemen

Pt. 2

I truly cannot decide who's poem is better. So I am going to take it to our high school english teacher and have them graded. She will decide.

Grades are in, the only complaint about each of them was that they had periods and thats not cool in poetry town.

Overall she liked Joes better so point for him.

Challenge 3

2008-09-10T17:24:00.000-07:00

This one is simple first to call me wins.

Good Luck its 5:25 my time right now

Alan

Challenge 3 is over

Joe called me at about 5:40 az time.

Ian called me at 8:20 az time.

Winner Joe with his awesomely quick reflexes and ability to dial my phone number.

Sunday Suggestions

2008-09-07T15:02:00.001-07:00

I am taking suggestions for Ian And Joe's up coming challenges.

Post in comments

Challenge 2 Results

2008-09-07T08:34:00.000-07:00

Challenge 2 Winners

Indiana PA 41 LIU-CW post 0

Ian's Betrayal of the Real Indiana continues and is Rewarded.

Ian:1 Joe:0

Manchester 13 Trine 41

Going with Indiana is usually a good idea except in the case of Manchester Football, which has always sucked. Neither got it right

Ian:1 Joe:0

Tiffin 27 Findlay 36

Ian and Joe both had information that Findlay kind sounds like Fit Finley, so they picked it

Ian:2 Joe:1

Johns Hopkins 34 St. Lawrence 3

Guess St. Lawrence is not the saint of football.

Ian:3 Joe:2

Kentucky St. 31 St. Joes 27

Sorry Joe your name let ya down.

Ian:4 Joe:2

LaGrange 34 Birmingham Southern 31

But Your Mom Didn't

Ian:4 Joe:3

Denison 49 Kalamazoo 27

They may Be Pricks but they prosper

Ian: 5 Joe: 3

Lycoming 16 Ithica 17

The werewolves beat the steamed clams

Ian :6 Joe: 3

Walsh 10 West Liberty St. 24

Turnovers hurt Walsh and Joe

Ian:7 Joe:3

Tiebreaker was not needed but St. Joes won 27 over Mllersville 24

Impressive point for Ian. Joe falls to 0-2

Challenge 2

2008-09-04T17:02:00.000-07:00

Joe and Ian both claim to be avid Sportsmen.

Well, lets put that to the test.

For their second challenge they must pick NCAA division 3 Football winners for this Sat.

They must pick the winners for the following games.

Indiana (Pa) at LIU-C.W Post

Tiffin At Findlay

Kentucky State at St. Joseph's (IN)

West Liberty State at Walsh

Manchester at Trine

LaGrange College at Birmingham Southern

St. Lawrence at Johns Hopkins

Denison at Kalamazoo

Lycoming at Ithaca

Tie Breaker is: Whichever team scores more Millersville College or St. Joseph's.

Post your answer in the comments

Good Luck Gentlemen

Ian

2008-09-03T20:08:00.000-07:00

Ian Miller spent the previous two years in

Vanuatu serving others and due to loneliness, often himself. Apparently he returned to Indiana for unknown reasons (possibly vengeance). Ian works construction and if you need help and you can find him maybe you can hire Ian.

Birthday April 28.

Likes: Eating birds, Making Beer

Hates: Raisins, People who force him to do what he doesn't want to do i.e. dance, the fact that his brother is taller than him

Quote: "Darwinism is a sin."

Joe

2008-09-03T19:59:00.000-07:00

Here is a little more about our competitor.

Joe was raised in Fruitdale, Indiana.

He was a very curious and precocious child often helping those in need. He enjoyed playing football until he broke his leg. Then he quit cause hes a quitter. He enjoys whiskey and sex. He will use the win to help his doctoral career and possibly get himself out of debt.

Likes: Cake, Social Justice, Whiskey

Hates: Alan's Rules and David Lynch Movies.

Birthday Dec. 29th.

Quote: "Man I didn't think I could rock it any harder.... but I reached down in the depths of rock and fucking rocked it!"

1st challenge

2008-09-03T19:49:00.000-07:00

Ian and Joe faced their first challenge this weekend. They both attended Slugfest. In this contest they had to see who could:

1 Drink the Most

2. Maintain their Dignity

Ian lead the way early by drinking several beers. Unfortunately they were imported and thus made him look like a pussy. Joe drank Makers Mark and gained a quick lead for looking bad ass. However late in the evening they began to jam and as usual Joe lost his composure and made a complete ass of himself.

Winner: Ian

Fortunately this is a non-elimination challenge.